I met Kahil on his blog the other day. He irons. I didn’t know that anyone in the Western Hemisphere still ironed clothes. When I was a kid we were taught that ironing was of Satan, and that the whole reason God invented polyester was to free the domestic slaves. I am of the generation that was Proud To Be Polyester. He ended a post by saying he had to go iron some clothes so he could be ready to meet his boy(friend). I think that’s amazingly cool, and I’m so jealous of Kahil’s boyfriend. He managed to snare a Domestic God, and all I have is a bitchy cat.
(I’ll be so in trouble if Brie ever reads this.)
I knew pretty early. Sometimes people have a hard time believing it, but it’s true. I was around six or so. I never had a problem with knowing what I liked. I had a problem with hating myself for it.
Reason #1. This is a copy and paste from an earlier post to save you the trouble of navigating my archives, which are beginning to resemble a back room at the Library of Congress/sleazy dance club.

When I was about six years old, my older brother and I used to go down to the
Municipal Swimming Pool and just spend the afternoon there. It used to be packed
all the time in the summer. It was there, in the public dressing room, that I
had my first experience of male sexuality. The room was full of men and boys,
some shy, some exhibitionistic, in varied stages of undress. I was looking
around the room for an open spot on one of the benches when my eyes came across
a young man sitting on a bench, wearing nothing but a jock strap. He was just on
the edge of puberty, a mysterious, forbidden and exotic world, full of secrets
and allure.He was just a normally okay looking guy, but I was instantly
thunderstruck. All I remember is standing there for what seemed an eternity,
with my jaw dropped. I think it actually was a couple of minutes. Finally my
brother walked over to me, and whispered nervously in my ear, “Quit staring.” I
think he knew the score about me even back then. It was a few years before I knew
about him.Even after my brother spoke, I lingered, intoxicated. It was as though
something larger than I had taken hold of me, and I couldn’t shake loose from
it.The fellow I was staring at studiously ignored me. I doubt he realized the
total power he had over me at that moment. He probably just saw some little kid
acting weird. For me however, that was a life changing moment.To this day, it
remains one of my most powerful memories, etched on my mind indelibly.As I look
back, trying to understand, I think probably I had just developed neurally to
the point that I was able to respond to the “man” smell of testosterone, and I
just happened to be downwind.Lucky me. I’m a Testosterone junkie.

Reason #2. I have never, not even once in my life, actually had a hard on for a woman. I’m actually kind of proud of that. I believe in consistency. Even when I was married, having sex with my wife, the only way I could do the deed was to close my eyes and visualize a man there. And we had some earthshaking sex. It wasn’t until later that I found out that it’s really common with guys to do that. There’s so many of us out there trying to “pass” as hetero, when we could be having fun taking the road less traveled.

Reason #3. I had my first orgasm while watching my older brother jack off. I suspect he got off to me watching as much as I got off to watching him. And yeah, he let me touch it. If you were reading the bit about the dressing room at the pool, this is when I might have gotten a clue about my brother, if I had been thinking about it. I assure you, all the activity going on in my universe was way below the neck at that point.
Oh yeah…Matt called. Updates this weekend.
Male Depilatory. Walkins accepted. No appointment necessary.

Be very loved,




  1. Derreck Says:

    I also never had a hard on by a woman. I did jerk off on straigh guys porn once, but my eyes focused on the disk with that guy attached to it more than the actual bitch he was fucking. (Why is it that straight porn has these incredibly ugly guys in it? Like, ALWAYS; would it make straight guys feel better or something?) Anyway, I really accepted my sexuality when I was twelve, I knew much earlier, but never worried about it. I struggled with it for a year, trying to keep jerkin off on straight porn, but I never EVER could manage involving a woman in my imagination-based-jerking. I like guys too much.
    I also think there is no middle way between homosexuality and heterosexuality. Sure guys can have sex both ways, but have a relationship with both equally is not possible I’d say. I mean, YOU even had a marriage going on, and I’m sure you loved her; I had girlfriends, and I liked them somewhat, but in the end, a gay guy is a gay guy, and a straight guy, a straight guy. This is actually important to agree with to proove that homosexuality is not a mental thing a few years psychology can wipe out easily. It IS something solid, a blessing I’d even say. Like God has designed a cat to be a cat, and a dog to be a dog, so why not with us?

  2. Bigg Says:

    Holy cow, and all along I thought I was the only one with a gay brother, too. Interesting!

  3. Enemy of the Republic Says:

    This is an important post. A lot of people told me that they “knew” at a young age. It’s terrible when parents and religious institutions make the child in question both doubt and hate what he/she is. That is wrong. If you are born gay, then you are gay and that’s it. I may be a Christian, but the next person to tell me to “speak the truth in love to my homosexual brothers and sisters” will get some serious South Side Chicago attitude.

  4. tornwordo Says:

    Wow, that’s pretty intense for a six year old. And the brother story sounds so titillating. And then I feel shame for thinking that. Sigh.

  5. Lemuel Says:

    You triggered some suppressed memories there, Daniel. Hmmm. the old Hershey Park swimming pool. mid-1950’s. locker room. I’m going to have to ponder this one awhile. I may have to move my date back a bit.

  6. Kalvin Says:

    Are you saying that your brother was gay? And how old were you with the incident with your brother, and how did it all happen. I want details, Details, DETAILS!

  7. Szymon Niemiec Says:

    Yeap… this was beutifull years when we was beautifull and young…

    Now I have only A from and 😀

  8. Ur-spo Says:

    that was quite bold and revealing!
    a brave and bold blog.
    Made me remember my first ‘realization’ when the world crashed for me.

  9. john Says:

    I’ve never had sex with a woman. Nor has the thought of a woman gotten me excited.

  10. Sober @ Sundown Says:

    I knew at an early age, too. I think I was around 6 or 7 when I developed a crush on the girl next door……

    BTW, I think anyone in freshly ironed clothes is sexy, male or female. They just look good.

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