ROMANTIC MIND READERS

I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING****************************
This is a rough transcription of a conversation I had with a girl whom I had seen twice, both times in a coffee shop.

Female: Want me to tell you what you’re thinking?
Me: No.
Female: OK! Blahblahblahblahyadayadayadayadayada… etc.
Me:Nope, that wasn’t it. (I knew, because I wasn’t thinking anything at the moment.)
Female: Sure it is! Because that’s what I’d be thinking if I were you!
Me: (dimly sensing the horror looming ahead)But you’re not me.

I’ve had this conversation a few times with women, and every time it turned out horribly. When a woman begins this conversation, it’s already too late. Your fate has been settled for you, and your future decided. The only thing you can do is run like the wind and purchase a new identity in some far away land.
I KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FEEL*****************************
Even worse is the conversation that goes like this:

Female: So how do you feel about “us”?
Me: What?!?
Female: Silly man, I understand. I thought we would have the ceremony at my Mom’s house.
Me: What ceremony?

I have never once in my life had a woman get it right when she was telling me how I felt. Now don’t get me wrong, this approach probably works with straight guys a good percentage of the time. They figure that if they just go along with it, they’re earning points for sex. I don’t have that incentive, and I’m not going to change. Believe me, I tried it. I know what team I’m on.

I’ve never once had this conversation with a guy. A guy might think it, but he won’t say it. He’ll just lunge at you. Of the two, I prefer the lunging. On the off, off chance that I didn’t want a guy lunging at me, I could push him away with a stun gun. At this point in my life, that’s a really remote possibility, but there you are.
**********************************************************
Some nice shots of boys lunging at each other, to brighten your eyes.

A frontal assault, from an angle.

The upward, heatseeking lunge.

A downward spiral lunge, designed to disorient and delight the lungee.

My favorite, a slow and stealthy lunge from behind.

Be loved,

DEL

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11 Responses to “ROMANTIC MIND READERS”

  1. Elizabeth McClung Says:

    I don’t believe those are USFA sanctioned fencing lunges in those pics.

    I HAVE done this conversation with a guy but it usually runs like this:

    Me: “I bet I know what you’re thinking”
    Guy: “Uhhhhh.”
    Me: “You’re hoping I don’t hit you in the groin again right?”

    these are sports related talks however.

  2. Lemuel Says:

    I’ll take any kind of lunge I can get? Say, are the pictured guys for hire as “paid lungers”?

  3. Mikey Says:

    The frontal lunge would be good right now. I just wanna be force to the wall.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Isn’t lunge an Olympic sport? Oh, wait, that’s luge. Nevermind. You’d be really, really good at the commentary, regardless.

    I love that last picture. It’s beautiful.

    Cooper

  5. Ur-spo Says:

    When I talk to male patients I seldom use the ‘f’ word (feeling); most of them don’t relate to feeling; so I ask “how do you experience that?’ and I get the same results. It’s all in the words.
    PS – the photos were very tender.

  6. Kalvin Says:

    Oddly enough, lots of straight women knew what I was thinking a lot of the time. And I love talking about feelings in therapy because I like to make distinctions between thinking and feeling, and experience seems to capture the two into one, not to say that they aren’t, but it’s helpful for me to separate them out.

  7. Derreck Says:

    Haha! Nice story, and nice pics (duh). And well, guys aren’t always being very obvious in what they think, different from women. A look can tell you whether she’s pissed, just dumped her bf, or is about to hit you in the face. You can also easily see whether she likes what she’s eating, or what music you’re playing. Women are such expression creatures, guys are much more held back concerning their emotions. Prolly why guys don’t cry so much.

  8. farmboyz Says:

    The thing is there are these guys who use some version of the “I know what you’re thinking” line after they’ve been staring at you and following you around at The Eagle all night and finally they plant themselves next to you and shout it in your ear and you want to say “I’m thinking how you’d look with your head cut off and rolling down 28th Street”, but instead you say “I am not normally this color” (a delightful proclamation translated from a guidebook of usual phrases one might need while in Yugoslavia). Then you quickly walk away.
    What those guys don’t know is that your depicted “frontal lunge from an angle” will get me everytime. It is so…to the point.

  9. farmboyz Says:

    The thing is there are these guys who use some version of the “I know what you’re thinking” line after they’ve been staring at you and following you around at The Eagle all night and finally they plant themselves next to you and shout it in your ear and you want to say “I’m thinking how you’d look with your head cut off and rolling down 28th Street”, but instead you say “I am not normally this color” (a delightful proclamation translated from a guidebook of usual phrases one might need while in Yugoslavia). Then you quickly walk away.
    What those guys don’t know is that your depicted “frontal lunge from an angle” will get me everytime. It is so…to the point.

  10. Em Says:

    Uh, yeah. Women are difficult. Of course that is just my opinion, though it does have the slightly added weight that I *am* one.

    sigh.

  11. Alexander Says:

    “A downward spiral lunge, designed to disorient and delight the lungee.” HOT. VERY HOT.

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